Health matters

Ahh, so finally I have a few minutes. I just made myself some rose-hip and hibiscus tea, washed two smaller sized apples, and had home-made stew for dinner.
The stew consisted of chicken left-overs from a roast chicken, fresh potatoes, carrots, parsnips, chopped red pepper, onions and garlic with low-salt vegetable stock and herbs. I'm trying to eat healthier because I've noticed myself feeling a bit run-down lately. I got a "needle-less" flu shot a week ago, and I think I am still trying to recover from the side effects. I haven't had a flu shot for 12+ years, and now I thought I'd be brave and see if I'd survive it (after all, I survived heart surgery).
So many people get the flu shot each year and are perfectly fine, why shouldn't I be?
My husband got that same shot just a day prior to me getting mine, and his not reacting adversely to the shot gave me the confidence to go for it.
Well, I'm not sure what exactly I'm reacting to, but it may be the preservative they put in the vaccine, or the latex cover of the needle-less flu shot which presses onto your skin (which I found out about AFTER I started reacting...), but I can tell you that about two days after the shot, the injection site got red, itchy and had a bit of a swollen bump there. One week later, the arm looks okay (still a slightly visible patch there though), but it still feels a bit weird and itchy.
I am indeed somewhat sensitive to latex, and the questionnaire sheet they have you fill in only asks for medication, egg or chicken allergies (I don't consider latex being a medication, so I didn't write that down), and common sense doesn't automatically make you think about latex when you are meant to receive a shot, whether or not it is supposed to be "needle-less", but next time I guess I'll know.
Let's hope I don't get any other disturbing or serious effects.
Prayers are certainly appreciated, thank you!
The reason for me getting the shot in the first place is because I have that issue with my heart.
That makes me a prime candidate for potentially serious complications should I catch the flu. It doesn't prevent catching the flu, but if I did catch it, then my chances of only getting a really mild case would be so much higher.
Or so the medical authorities say. Or perhaps it's really the pharma companies?
Anyways, I don't think I'll be getting another flu shot after what I've now experienced.
Perhaps a regular shot would have been better, but I now don't know what the cause of the reaction is: the vaccine itself, the preservative, the latex?
Either way, I think next year I'll take my chances again as I have done in the last 12+ yrs. In the meanwhile, I pray and hope I don't get some long-term physical damage somehow. My trouble is that I have exzema as well, which generally makes my skin feel itchy, sensitive, etc. So if I did end up with anaphylactic shock, I probably wouldn't notice until it actually happened.
This is one of those cases where I will submit to God's mercy to help me through this.

Having said that, there is a lot we can do for our physical health: watch what we eat and drink. I just watched a  movie about juicing, where the incredible claim is being made that most of our diseases, illnesses and physical ailments could be cured, or at least controlled, simply with the proper diet. No medication needed. Needless to say, I am looking into it. Cautiously, of course, because nowadays you really don't know about people's agendas.
But, after all, why shouldn't it be possible that all we need in order to live a good and healthy life is right in front of us?
God promised to give us everything we need. If he thought we'd need tons of medications right from the start, wouldn't he have made a "medication" tree?
That can only mean that what we need is, or should, already be present, but it's up to us to find it, recognize it,  and make use of it.
No matter which way you look at it though, clearly there can be no harm in eating more fruits and vegetables. God gave us those fruits and vegetables, and surely the way he made them must be perfect enough, so why do we as a society end up manipulating these perfect foods? Last I heard, apples didn't grow with shellac wax on their skins, nor did they come into being in plastic bags or containers, nor did they come with a "needs genetic modification" sticker on the outside.
Nevetheless, I decided I am going to incorporate more fruits and vegetables in my diet. Hopefully this will help "balance" my body out soon.

The other thing is that I feel that I need more sleep. Could be an effect from the vaccination, but could also generally be because I've been very busy trying to get acquainted with my new workplace, and trying to get used to having 1 and 1/2 hrs less of free time each day, because of my work commute.

Either way, I need to make sure I get to bed early today so I'll be rested enough to tackle another work week including rush-hour traffic!

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Where does the time go?

Seriously...it's been a long time since I posted anything here..so much has been happening to me within the last two months, it's nearly unbelievable!
Having said that, with God all things are possible.
Strangely enough, that is also the Bishop's motto of our local Catholic Diocese.
Long story short...just a few months ago I was studying...and barely having gotten the certificate, I found a new job.
I love my new job, but it's full-time and therefore I hardly have much time to go online anymore... I have myself being incredibly busy!
Between the new job and duties/responsibilities and obligations at home, I really hardly know where the time goes anymore!
Some people have been asking me if I'm alright because they haven't heard or seen anything of/from me lately...Yes! I'm alright!
I'll try to update more soon, but in the meanwhile...I need to get my dinner!

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Corpus Christi & the meaning of the Cross

It is the Solemnity of the birth of St. John the Baptist today.
Because of this my local Parish decided it would be a fitting day to expose the Blessed Sacrament on the Altar for Adoration.
"Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament" means to put a consecrated Host (also known as "Eucharist") in a "monstrance" on top of the Altar, and let "it" be adored by the congregation or whoever wishes to go pay Him a visit.
Now, you may have noticed that I used the words "it" and "Him" for that Host, as if the words were interchangeable.
I did this intentionally, because most people don't realize what they are saying when they are saying it, and I wanted to point this out in order to clarify who it actually is that we are adoring up there hidden away in the Tabernacle, or who it is we are adoring during Exposition of the Bl. Sacrament.
Clearly, "it" would refer to what we see with our human eyes: a thin wafer - a thing - , and is the term used by those who see only with those eyes, rather than with the eyes of faith, trust and spirit.
For well educated Catholics though, this consecrated Host/Eucharist is in reality Jesus Christ Himself: truly present in body, mind and soul, fully human and in all His glorious Divinity.

So now that we have that covered, let me continue with what I wanted to share with you today...

The following came to me during Adoration today, and I know that except for God giving me this grace, I would not have had this understanding or deep comprehension of the meaning of what I'm about to say.
I don't know how this will come out now that I am writing it down, but I hope that the Spirit of God may help me with this.
After telling a priest about this, it was confirmed to me that this is the truth what I am about to write.

I had the idea or thought, somewhat like an interior vision of sorts, that the cross that Jesus carried on His back on the day He was to be crucified, was in reality His Bride.
I literally "saw" a bride in a white wedding dress being carried on His back, and it was made clear to me that He (Jesus) had espoused Himself to the cross, therefore the cross was His bride.
Since this is a solemnity for John the Baptist, who came to baptize people with the waters of repentance, and Jesus willed Himself to baptized by him as well with those same waters, although he had no need for repenting anything (since he was without sin), this clearly shows that Jesus has indeed come to be espoused and united to those who were baptized with those waters....
Now, to continue this thought of Jesus being espoused to the cross and carrying it on his back and shoulders, hugging it tightly, weeping upon it, moaning because of it, enduring the pain of the splinters etching their way into His flesh (making it burn and cause Him great pain)..
...if He has espoused Himself to those people baptized in the waters of repentance,...
therefore: to those baptized in His Name...
and we are indeed the cross He has decided to carry and be married to, regardless of the splinters (our faults, sins, etc) that cause Him pain,
regardless of the heavy burden we may be to Him,
regardless of us being the tool which would cause Him torture in more ways than one,
What does this say about Him? And what does this say about us?

Our sins (the splinters of the wood) caused Him pain, and tore His flesh so it bled.
That blood then seeped into the very fibers of the splinters, -of the wood of the cross.

If you ever tried cleaning blood stains out of wood (for example if you accidently hit your finger with a hammer while doing woodwork) or have ever watched a liquid drop onto wood, you would know that although you can clean the surface of the wood, you can never fully remove the blood out of the wood (even with soapy water), because the wood has absorbed it.
Jesus knew this. He's the son of a carpenter, after all. (okay, little joke - but true!)
He didn't want to be removed from His spouse,  - the wooden cross
=> the Church/those baptized in His Name.
This is comforting, because this means that it is nearly impossible to be separated from Jesus, once He has claimed you as His own, and once you have taken part of receiving His Body and Blood in the form of the Eucharist/consecrated Host.
Going to Mass and receiving Jesus as the Beloved and Lover He is into our hearts, souls and bodies therefore is a very intimate experience, once you come to comprehend that He is indeed your Spouse, even though the world and your state of Life may suggest otherwise.

I think the only way not to be united with Him so intimately can only be due to the following:
perhaps you are a piece of that cross that He carried, but His Blood, tears or sweat never touched you....
nothing of His, therefore, seeped into you.
And yet, He did carry you, and you are still a tiny fiber of the whole cross, which connects you to all those who have been touched and marked by Him profoundly.
The only way to remove you from the whole, is to ask that you be cut off or extracted from the cross (this implies that it would be your choice, your free will).

This though would make you incredibly lonely and you are likely to get lost amidst all the dust on the ground.
Soon enough, you will then be trampled underfoot.

The better thing to do would be to ask that His blood, tears or sweat may also seep into you, so you may know your value, understand His Love, care and passion for you,
and so by this dew of either the one or other fluid of His, you may stay fresh and moist and therefore resistant to high temperatures and fires that may threaten your existence.

Although the wood of the wood of the cross may seem dead, it is alive.
So therefore, even though Jesus' suffering on, with and through the cross may seem a stupid idea for a person who hasn't been infused by His passion (--> someone who sees only with worldly eyes),
since it would seem that He wanted to die, rather than live,
in reality He wanted to live eternally....through His true presence (be it whether His blood, sweat, tears or scraped flesh pieces) intimately and inseparably united to us "wood pieces" or "splinters".

That is why Jesus said that "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." - Mark 8:34-35.

And although this would be a great explanation of the meaning of the wood of the cross for Holy Friday, this explanation came to me now: two days before the Solemnity and Feast of Corpus Christi - The Body and Blood of Christ.

Now, that would be a very huge cross for Him to lug around town, if He wanted to include all of us to be partakers of His passion.
He does actually want all of humanity to be able to be united with Him, but in order to do this, He took it up a notch in terms of intimacy, as if having His Blood (for example) run through the fibers of your being wouldn't already be enough...
Just as His blood seeped into the wood, never to be removed again, so was His sharing of the meal at the last Supper.
"Jesus said: " I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you.
He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. 
For my flesh is food indeed, and my blood is drink indeed.
He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him.
As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so he who eats me will live because of me.
This is the bread which came down from heaven, not such as the fathers ate and died; he who eats this bread will live for ever." (John 6:53-58)

He's explaining this as He is preparing to share bread and wine with His disciples....the way I see it is this: He is effectively (though He's not directly telling them that He's going to be crucified) asking them to not just be infused with His Blood, tears and sweat, but to refresh  and seal that imprint He would leave on them by continuously nourishing it with His Substance and presence.

As a mark/stain on wood would get deeper and more intense, the more frequently the same substance seeps into that mark/stain, so it is when we receive Communion: we become more and more like Jesus, because we are accepting into our lives His real body and blood, soul and divinity.

Eventually you will no longer see the original color of the wood, though the shape may be the same, and the fibers may still remain intact....so it is with our bodies when we die in Communion with Christ, through the carrying of our cross (which in effect may be Jesus for us, since it is HIS blood, sweat, tears and body tissue which has seeped in the wood) and the sharing in His Body and Blood through receiving Communion --> our bodies will be the same, but transformed,  because of the seeping of Jesus' Body and Blood into our very own bodies and cells.
And this is how we manage to live.
Although we seem to be dying.

This had a great impact on me today, because I had an incredible experience when I was hospitalized for open-heart surgery almost three years ago: I had to be re-opened after the initial surgery due to a Haemotoma.
This must have happened around midnight.
Nobody told me that I had required a second surgery, because nobody wanted to upset me. I found out about all of this four days after it happened.
I was "conscious" in regards to me having recollection of what I said and did, about the third day after my surgery, which would have been a Sunday. Just like Jesus, it seems I went down into "darkness", in order to be resurrected on the third day.
And yet I knew something happened, because I remember feeling as if I was being pushed around, I felt my arms being stretched apart (as they would be if you were being crucified - or, in my case: probably getting my chest re-opened), and intense pain.
Next thing I know is that I heard some mumbling, though one word stuck out : "Mercy." I've always been a great advocate for the devotion to Divine Mercy and the Sacred Heart of Jesus, so I was wondering if someone was praying for me.
Only recently did it sink in that maybe it was Jesus Himself...He is our ultimate intercessor.
Again, right after this, I see Jesus laying for me in the hospital bed, and I was up on His cross, and it was as if Jesus had taken my place for me, and I had taken His place up on the cross.
His heart, which bled from the wound He received, was mine, and my heart in turn, was His.

He took away the pain I was feeling, and I got a sense of His Peace, as our Hearts were beating as one, our blood having mingled, ...becoming one.
The physical pain was intense, but the Love I experienced and felt was so much greater.
Now this really made me aware of the fact that we are indeed the temples of the Holy Spirit.
Therefore, it is important what we do with our bodies.

Now this is something I didn't ask the priest about whether or not this is doctrinally true, but I feel that it is:
Truly, He (Jesus) is our Spouse, regardless if you are married, single, a religious or priest in this world...in heaven nobody is married in the way the world would understand it, but rather we are all espoused to the Trinity in heaven, and through this Union and connection we are then espoused to each other. 

I'm sure there may be some rational medical explanations for me perceiving the events of that night like this, but I know with absolute certainty that if Jesus hadn't come through for me that night, I would not be sitting here right now writing this.
Certain things simply cannot be explained properly.

All of this is an act of Faith, Belief, Trust and Love.

And this is how we should approach Him when we think of receiving Him in Form of the Eucharist.

He is not just simply a piece of bread or a wafer or a sip of wine in a chalice.
He is true God and true human being, and this is truly His body and blood,
the one who gives us life,
the one who truly loves us, ....splinters and all. ;-)

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Hmmm...

...Well, I contacted my "long-lost & M.I.A." spiritual director, and he's still "missing in action."
Either way, I left a message for him to check out the stuff I write here, since I don't want to be stepping on anybody's big toes.
Let's face it: I'm no authority of any kind in regards to these spiritual or religious things I try to explore here.
The only authority I'm following as of right now is my conscience and I am hoping it is (or at least somewhat is) in tune with the Holy Spirit's Will.
Having said that, since I am also just another human being, my thoughts could very well be flawed, or not always explained properly in the sense that I mean it (part of that problem goes back to me being bi-lingual and multi-cultural, so that an expression in one country comes out differently in another) --> hence the search for some input from a trustworthy and experienced source, as well as from someone who knows me quite well.
Not that I want all that I write here to be censored.
I just want the Theological and Historical aspects that I provide within my thoughts or musings here to be more or less accurate.
In part, I really want this because it will continue to educate me as well as you, the reader.
And yet, I want to provide all this without losing authenticity, integrity and my (hopefully) down-to-earth simple approach.....as a "learner", or "disciple", who will never know it all until the day I die.
(And even then it will be up to God to fill in the blanks.)

So I guess we will see if I can get any "authority" figure to help me out here. ;-)

Either way, the spider bite is hardly visible anymore, and I will be walking for a Charity Walk this weekend. The proceeds will benefit the Rett Syndrome Foundation and the walk will be about four and a half miles long.
That's not too bad.
I've done quite a bit of walking lately, and although I personally don't see the physical results yet in regards to my figure, my scale has detected some weight loss, so that's a good thing.
I plan to keep on walking and do some extra exercises as well as keep up with the diet goals I have set for myself.
These aren't major changes to diet, but minor ones which should have a major impact, for example: no extra snacks unless it's fruit or vegetables. Cut down on Caffeine (instead of two to three cups of coffee, I plan on only having one in the morning --> after that: just water, herbal tea, or juice mixed with water), try to avoid restaurant food (which is usually loaded with fat, sugar and salt).
Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that I will continue one of my favorite pastimes: turn up the volume and dance! There's nothing like jumping around the house like a "lunatic" to get your metabolism going and those endorphines up and running! Hahahahaha!! :-)

Obviously, I will keep the blinds down for that. Ahem. ;-)

All fun aside, it just generally feels good to be active, in one way or another. It gives you a sense of accomplishment, and I think that's pretty important.
There's a saying: If you don't use it, you lose it.
If you don't use your muscles, they will eventually atrophy.
If you don't use your skills, you will forget how to use them.
If you don't exercise your rights, you may soon not have them anymore.
If you don't make an effort to desire, want and practice love, you may lose the ability to love.
If you don't strive for eternity and a spiritual life, it will ellude you.
(simply put: you may never understand what it's about until you're faced with it --> and whether you want to or not right now: you WILL have to face it one day).

If you don't communicate with those you've called your friends, they will no longer know how to communicate with you.
I suppose that's okay, if that's what you want (or what God may desire for you), but is it really what you or God wants?

Sometimes (quite often, actually) we have a tendency to avoid things or people which may seem difficult, emotionally or physically "charged" or challenging.
There's a perfect explanation for that: we sometimes DO need to set up boundaries regarding certain people and situations, because if we didn't, we'd be ignoring our own needs (I'm not speaking of "wants" or "desires" here, because a "want" or "desire" could be selfish and not an actual necessity for our functioning as a normal human being).
BUT: constantly avoiding these difficult, "charged" or challenging situations can also make us stagnant and stale....like the story about the salt becoming stale and no longer of any use to anyone. Salt with no flavor is bound to be spat out as soon as it touches the tongue.
So we need to discern when it is "okay"  or even desirable to face these situations and when not.

One good way to try to make a decision: ask yourself what God would probably want you to do. Ask yourself if you would be harming yourself (physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc) or anyone else (your family members should always come first when you make that evaluation), and if the outcome of the given situation or challenge is worth the potential damage, and what exactly are you trying to achieve, and for who?
Ideally, all should be done for the greater glory of God.
Why? Because as a child of God, He's your dad, He's your ultimate Family Member, He's your creator, He's the one who always will be with you. He's the one trying to direct your thoughts, He's the one who only wants the best for you, and He is and always will be your only true friend.
All you do, and ever can do, is only because HE has enabled, and willed you to do it.
So therefore, for righteousness sake, He deserves the credit and your Love.

I realize there are sometimes grey areas in our lives which doesn't make that kind of decision making all too clear. In such a case, if possible, hold off on making any major decisions or acting rashly.
If it is not possible, and you are required to act quickly, then allow yourself at least some time for a quick prayer and ask God for some common sense and some quick inspiration.
Sometimes our Lord will put you in a situation where you have no time to really think through the whole situation.
In such a case, He just wants to see you do the best you can, and He's testing to see where you're at in life.
Of course, He knows where you are at life, but He wants you to know it, too...!

If it was a bad decision, and yet He allowed you to make that decision: rest assured, He only allowed it so He could teach you a valuable lesson.
This may not sound like a consolation, but in fact: it really is.

If you make a correct choice, then all is well, and you may reap some fruit.

But sometimes when we make a bad choice ( even when we've prayed about it and were under the watchful eyes of God), He makes up for what we thought we had lost by allowing even more fruit to be harvested...

So although we should strive to make a correct choice, we should not be disheartened or become despairing just because we made a bad choice (or in the course of a life-time even possibly multiple bad choices)--> as long as we take that situation and hand it over to God.

Because when we do this, He will do the watering and fertilizing of that seed of good will  we have planted in His Garden. Occasionally, He may ask us also to water and fertilize that seed. But He never asks anything which He doesn't oversee or knows we can't do.
That then, results in the abundant fruit.
That "seed of good will" is the Faith, Trust and Love we put into Him, which results in our sharing those virtues, deeds and hopes with others and accepting them also within our own beings.

That's my interpretation anyhow.
What are your thoughts? Please share below in the "comment" box! Your comment will be posted as soon as I read and approve it. I have chosen this option so anybody who wants to leave me a private or confidential message, may do so, without the whole world immediately seeing it all. (If you mention that it's confidential or don't want it to be posted, I won't approve it for posting, but will only read it and proceed as needed).

In line with all I've written lately and today, today's Mass Reading seems to be very fitting (and interestingly enough, I got to read this reading at Mass today....I could have not tried to express myself better; In these regards, St. Paul really knows how to express what I currently feel):
 2 Corinthians 11:1-11 :

"Brothers and Sisters:
If only you would put up with a little foolishness from me!
Please put up with me.
For I am jealous of you with the jealousy of God, since I betrothed you to one husband to present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.
But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts may be corrupted from a sincere and pure commitment to Christ.
For if someone comes and preaches another Jesus than the one we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it well enough.
For I think that I am not in any way inferior to these "superapostles."
Even if I am untrained in speaking, I am not so in knowledge;
in every way we have made this plain to you in all things.

Did I make a mistake when I humbled myself so that you might be exalted, because I preached the Gospel of God to you without charge?
I plundered other churches by accepting from them
in order to minister to you.
And when I was with you and in need,
I did not burden anyone, for the brothers who came from Macedonia supplied my needs.
So I refrained and will refrain from burdening you in any way.
By the truth of Christ in me,
this boast of mine shall not be silenced
in the regions of Achaia.
And why?
Because I do not love you?
God knows I do! "

AMEN!!

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Clutter & the art of Love

There have been a few things which have crossed my mind lately:
One of them was the fact that I live very close to the woods, and therefore it is hard to avoid bugs, insects and spiders, as well as various types of animals.
Even if you try your best to keep the house neat and tidy, that odd bug, spider or insect will find a way in.
I only mention this because I indeed have been bitten by a spider recently.
I've never actually seen the spider (which is typical, as most people often don't see the spider or even necessarily feel the bite), but due to the symptoms I've had and after seeing the doctor, it's quite certain that that's what it was.
Lucky for me, I never got one of those ulcerous sores like you see on the web when searching for spider bite pics.
I was also told that most problems usually occur with the allergic reaction to the bite, rather than the venom itself.
The reason for this is that most people can't contain their need for scratching the bite, which then leads to infection. This is not to say that the venom can't possibly do some damage, but it is to say that you're more likely to do damage by not keeping the bite area clean and your hands off.
Either way, thankfully I was able to resist the urge to scratch, even though it nearly drove me crazy. I also cleaned the bite area with soap and water, disinfected it with an alchohol wipe, and put steroid cream on as well as took an antihistamine. One evening, when the bite area was swollen and hard, red and warm, I also put ice on it, to reduce the swelling.
These measures saved the bite from getting worse.
The doctor told me to keep up with steroid ointment and benadryl, as needed.

The reason why I am mentioning all of this is because this whole experience pointed out something to me:
Firstly: there is no way to fully avoid evil in this world, because it is a part of our life. (the spider will still get in, even if you clean your house and spray insecticide)
Secondly: It is worth doing the best you can to turn something evil into good, when you are touched by it. (the spider bite can be prevented from getting worse by taking the correct measures in treating it)

Now translate that into the spiritual realm of things. For Catholics, but also for anybody else really, we will always be touched by evil in one form or another. That's a part of life.
Now for everybody else I can not speak, but from a Catholic's point of view, we have the Sacrament of Reconciliation (= Confession) in order to "combat" the evil we encounter in our lives, especially the evil we brought on ourselves
(in the example of the spider : let's assume the house wasn't cleaned up all that well, and so the spider felt comfortable living among our clutter).
But this Sacrament can also be used to find answers to questions on how to deal with situations in our lives which we haven't necessarily brought upon ourselves.
This is not to say that we can abuse this Sacrament by spending hours in the Confessional asking the priest all kinds of questions as to what he would do if such and such a thing were to be, while everybody else can just stand there and wait for their turn.
But when you are really at a loss for how to deal with certain evils in your life, and you keep the priest's time restrictions in mind, it is okay, and perhaps even good, to ask.
This is just a thought.

To get back to the subject: clutter. Althoug I keep my house clean, I admit there are things I have brought home, and then forgot that I had them. They then end up somewhere pushed aside, never to be found or thought of again, until I all of a sudden remember that thing or realize it's something important and I need to find it.
It gets even harder if you don't live alone, but share your house with other family members, who may or may not as tidy or messy as you are.
Then you start going through not just your stuff, but your family member's stuff as well.
That's when you start realizing that you're starting to have clutter.

As you can imagine, I've had this issue recently, so I've started to de-clutter my home more. Some of it I don't even let into my home anymore.
Unless it's something really special, unique or important, the thing will not enter my home.
I used to take home prayer cards and leaflets, etc, etc.....well, I am no longer doing that, unless there's a relic attached and/or I feel some "calling" towards it.

As much as modern technology can be a pain in the backside, it is also a life-saver from that point of view. Just think of the Ipod and all the wonderful prayer apps you can get. No need to drag a truck-load of prayer cards or books around anymore. Just your Ipod with all the prayers in it.

The heading of this blog is "Clutter & the art of Love". So, since I went over the "clutter" part, let me get on to the "art of Love" part.

I absolutely love today's Gospel, which is from John 21:15-19.

Jesus had revealed himself to his disciples and had eaten breakfast with them.
He then asks Simon Peter three times whether Simon Peter loved him...and also whether he loved him "...more than these".
Simon Peter (who we now know as St. Peter, and the "Rock" on which Jesus decided to build his church), responded each time in the affirmative. One time Peter responded: " Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you."
It is important to remember that there was a time when Peter boldly proclaimed and thought that he was never going to deny Jesus...and yet, he did.
Jesus of course knew this. He even prophesied that that was going to happen by the time the cock crowed three times.
So exactly this happened, that when Jesus was being taken away for trial, the cock crowed three times, and Peter had managed to deny Him three times in the presence of the people.
The opinion of the people, his reputation, was more important to him at the time, as well as his fear for his own life - should he declare that he belonged to Jesus-, was more important to him, rather than sticking it out for Jesus.
By Jesus asking him three times whether Simon Peter loved him, Jesus was giving Simon Peter the opportunity to turn that evil of denying Him, into good.
By Jesus asking if He was being loved "...more than these", He was asking if Simon Peter still "loved" the opinion of other people more than Jesus, as well as whether He still "loved" that fear of possibly losing his life, or if he (Simon Peter) was now willing to lay down his life for Jesus and for the "sheep" and "lambs" Jesus entrusted to him.
Jesus tells Peter to "feed my lambs", "tend my sheep", and
"Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."
As some of you may know, exactly this is indeed what happened to St. Peter.
Jesus then said to Simon Peter: "Follow me."

So what I take out of this is the following: True expression of Love, even when faced with adversity or fears, must be bold and courageous.
We must try to overcome our fears and things that we may perceive to be important in this world.
This is not to say that some fears or things aren't important, but we ought to see them from a larger point of view, and whether or not our actions are mainly dominated by fears, worries or pride and/or any other evil type of manifestation, or are our actions mainly dominated by Love.

A Love which is:

 - directed towards ourselves.
Yes, we are allowed to love ourselves.
I think most people have a problem with being able to love themselves as they ought to for various reasons.
One main reason being that they do not realize that they need to feel love towards themselves first, in order to share that love with others.
Another reason being that most people may think it is being "selfish."
Well, let me ask you this: If your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, do you think He would think it is okay for you to run your body down to the ground, all in the name of doing good to others?
Constantly pampering and taking care of other people, thereby ruining your own health, because you then start eating inconsistently, start sleeping irregularly, don't exercise anymore because you're worn out, etc, etc....
Or is this rather a trap of the evil one?
God may sometimes ask people to undergo trials such as these, but as a general rule: if you have stopped to love yourself, then it's only a matter of time until you stop loving others as well.
Because if you don't love yourself enough to respect your own limitations physically, mentally and emotionally, then you will not be able to do so with others.

- directed towards others.
We are social creatures. We were created that way.
We were only able to be conceived and "created" by two people (our parents) uniting with each other. God/Holy Spirit is the one who ignited that spark of creation with life. He is the one who says that
Life =Love, and Love =Life.
Without this love, we woud not exist, and neither would anybody else.
We can literally "kill" someone by not loving them, whether by thought, deed or/and word/speech.
Either we directly say, do or think something without love towards another, or we indirectly do so.
Sometimes without giving it another thought. Carelessly.
When I speak of Love in this context, I am not really speaking about sex, although this is also a part of love. In that context then it is an exclusive expression of Love reserved for spouses within the confinements of marriage.
The Love I'm speaking of though, is the love we have for our neighbor.
Do we truly "do" to our neighbor as we would want them have "do" to us?

- ultimately directed towards God.
Because we will spend eternity with Him.
Without His initial spark of Life, which equals Love, we would not be, nor understand anything.
He is our ultimate parent.
This is why Jesus told us to pray: "Our Father"..."Abba"...= Daddy!

This Sunday is Pentecost. May we all ask the Holy Spirit to come down upon us and enlighten us in whichever way we need it most.
May you be filled with the Love of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit!

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Ascension & Spiritual Seeking

Happy Ascension of the Lord!
For Catholics, this is a Holy Day of Obligation.
We are called to go to Mass and be inspired by the Readings and Gospel Message of this day.

In today's first reading, In the acts of the Apostles (1:1-11) , Theophilus (="loved by God", Greek)
is being told about Jesus "giving instructions through the Holy Spirit to the apostles whom he had chosen." These apostles were addressed by "two men dressed in white" as "Men of Galilee."
I point this out because I find it interesting to note that they were not clearly addressed as Judeans. According to Wikipedia: "The Pharisaic scholars of Judaism, centered in Jerusalem and Judea, found the Galileans to be insufficiently concerned about the details of Jewish observance-for example, the rules of Sabbath rest"

The second reading from the Letter of St. Paul to the Ephesians (1:17-23) addresses the
"Brothers and Sisters" of the Community and explains the dignity and graces given to those who believe the action of God, the Father, Jesus, the Son, and the workings of the Holy Spirit within souls.

The Gospel according to Matthew (28:16-20) points out how the "eleven disciples.... went to the mountain to which Jesus had ordered them."
I heard a priest say today that a disciple is a "learner".
Jesus then appeared to them, and "they worshiped, but they doubted."
Jesus then approached them and told them they are called to "Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them.....teaching them to observe all that I commanded you."
He also says this: "And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age."

Firstly, as I already pointed out, I find it remarkable that the apostles were addressed as Galileans.
I have no degree in Theology, nor did I ever study Theology or the History of the Church "officially", so everything that follows is based on the way how I understand it, and I realize it may therefore not be fully accurate or correct. If that is the case, and if you, who are reading this, have a better knowledge or understanding of this and wish to enlighten me or anyone else reading this, please comment accordingly down below.
The Galileans were known as Zealots, and possibly are meant to be foreigners who settled in the region of Galilee (Wikipedia: Galilee: "Biblical "Galilee of the Nations"....The "nations" would have been the foreigners who came to settle there, or who had been forcibly deported there."

The Pharisees were pretty much the Judean legal scholars.

Trying to comprehend the meaning of this for myself, in my personal opinion this gives me the impression that there was a discrepancy between those who claimed to have the law on their side by their close observance of what was written down, and who were more likely "pure-blooded" in their Jewish ancestry, and those who may have been poorer or less knowlegable, possibly "foreign", but yet had the "zeal" to follow the law in their hearts.

In the Gospel reading I find it remarkable to come across disciples who worshiped, but doubted.
We think of the disciples as Saints. So this must give all of us courage then to see that even these first disciples -who were so lucky to actually see Jesus face to face-, had doubts.
This leads me to assume then that you still can be a Saint even if you may be prone to some doubts.
And even though Jesus must have clearly known about the doubts that His disciples had, He yet still had confidence enough in them to effectively tell them to go out and to tell other "nations" (= foreigners!) about what He had taught them.
Apparently, He no longer desired to be their "Master", as in a Teacher/Master - Student/Disciple Relationship.
He wanted to have a greater relationship with them, which goes beyond simply one who teaches, and the other who learns.
He wanted to lift them up to status of an equal by giving them the command to do as He did.
No longer slaves, but co-heirs. Brothers and sisters with Him in the Kingdom. A part of His Body, a part of His Flesh. A part of His Family.
And this would only be possible if they could accept His calling and His teaching.
Clearly realizing that their doubts may get the better of them, He promised them that He will be with them "until the end of the age."
Maybe not physically as He had been up until that point, but by "sending them an advocate", which we as Christians call the Holy Spirit. That Holy Spirit is Jesus' Spirit. It is also the God the Father's Spirit.
The one can not be separated from the other. The Holy Trinity is One God.

Jesus is with us even today, but you have to pay attention to the stirrings in your heart, to the little voice in your head and conscience, to the little things that happen in and around you and/or your surroundings.

Jesus might (and often does!) make Himself known to you in ways you really don't expect, or at surprising times. And often we don't notice His presence even though He is right there...listening to your hopes, fears, sorrows, cries, joy, and sentiments of Love. Seeing you struggle. Waiting patiently for you to finish being so preoccupied with yourself, so that you can perceive Him, feel Him, sense Him.

Jesus may be present anywhere and everywhere at any and all times, in everyone.
Not just a chosen few, who may feel justified because they have followed "the law" as the Pharisees, or consider themselves to be the only true authority in "temple worship", as did the Sadducees.
Not that the Pharisees or Sadducees didn't necessarily do what God wanted them to, or that they didn't serve their purpose in God's plan of things.
We do need to keep in mind that not all are called to receive the same gifts of the Spirit.
Not all are called to be priests. Not all are called to be scholars.
Not every woman is called to be a mother/wife/religious/nun/sister/single.
Not every man is called to be a father/husband/brother/priest/single.
The gifts of the spirit are so manifold, they can not be completely listed or fully explained, but the gifts are distributed as God sees fit, and we should not be hindering those blessings and gifts our Lord wants to give us by thinking that the gifts or blessings other people may have are worse/better than the gifts we have been given.
It is also important for us to understand the dignity He intends and wants to raise us up to.
Although we are not worthy to be lifted up to the same level as our creator, we are not to reject or despise Him by questioning why He ever would want to lift us up to such a dignity.
It is a hard thing to understand why and how He could love us so much and with such intensity.

But how can you question Love?

Love can not be rationalized with our way of thinking.

I believe the message is that God can work in anybody, whether or not they are considered to be "anybody" in the worldly state of affairs/matters/things.

"What good can come out of Nazareth?". We know the answer to that.
Did God choose a rich princess/queen to be His Bride? No.
Who did Jesus eat with?
Did He only hang around rich people and those in higher positions?
No.
Did He only grace His disciples with His presence, or only those who belonged to His followers?
No.
He ate and sat down with Sinners, graced them with His company.
He didn't just eat with them, but He spent time with them. Talked to them.
He touched those who were so bold to approach Him. He physically and spiritually touched them so they may be healed and bear within themselves His touch or the imprint He made in their hearts and souls.

I believe all of us are constantly seeking for that Spiritual nourishment which feeds not just the body, but the soul. Heals us physically, but also mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and of course, spiritually.
When we are not aware of our seeking for that spiritual union with God, we will notice that something in our lives just isn't quite right.
That is where it can be truly helpful to have a committed and dedicated spiritual director.
Even if life seems to be going "okay" or "well", it is still usefull to have a spiritual director in order to ensure that our relationship with God/Holy Spirit stays on the right track.

If you are serious about your eternal life and your relationship with God, you really should have a spiritual director.
On May 19, 2011, Pope Benedict XVI also said that "anyone who wants to live their baptism responsibly should have a spiritual director" See the following article to what he says about that: http://www.zenit.org/article-32618?l=english
I would like to suggest the following website for further exploration and information on the topic:
http://rcspiritualdirection.com/ .
There, also, is a reference to the Pope's declaration that
"Everyone, in fact,......needs to be supported personally by a sure guide in doctrine and expert in the things of God. A guide can help defend oneself from facile subjectivist interpretations, making available his own supply of knowledge and experiences in following Jesus. [Spiritual direction] is a matter of establishing that same personal relationship that the Lord had with his disciples, that special bond with which he led them, following him, to embrace the will of the Father (cf. Luke 22:42), that is, to embrace the cross." (Zenit.org).

This clearly means that not only seminarians, priests or religious should have a spiritual director, but anyone and everyone who takes his/her faith seriously.
That includes lay people.

Here's some food for thought: Obviously, this may be difficult to accomplish practically for (especially) diocesan priests who also act as proper spiritual directors, have a vast amount of duties, obligations and get moved around every number of years to different parishes. In which case, perhaps the Bishop should be approached to find a practical solution so that our Pope's call to enable all who seek spiritual direction may and should get it, can be accomplished and followed.
In sight of God's great Love and Mercy it stands to reason that priests (who are meant to be the visible presence of God on His behalf) should be concerned that the "sheep" experience a "shepherd" as promised: one who goes out to look for that sheep, care for it and love it as the precious creature God has created and & states He loves.

A true father (such as God) never forgets His child, never stops loving it, even when the child is annoying or difficult.
So also the child, who may - in it's lack of knowledge and/or understanding-, do foolish things at times, never stops loving the parent/father.

If it is the case that priests or other spiritual directors are to represent the true father or shepherd, then they cannot simply walk away or turn their backs on the "children" or "sheep"entrusted to them.
They would only be able to do so if they haven't fully clothed themselves with Christ, thereby speaking of Love, but not really comprehending the meaning of it.

Now that our Pope encourages this kind of spiritual direction, maybe there's a way to make it happen? :-)

Again, to the question as to where we can see or experience God or Jesus in our lives nowadays,
I would like to invite you to think about the following statements:

If God is "I am", and He is "I am who I am", then He truly could and can be anybody, if He so chooses....On this note then (caution, as I said before, I am no scholar of Theology or even Philosophy, but I am trying to represent how God truly can do as He likes, should He want to do so. Therefore, some ideas may seem a bit bold, but they are to emphasize possibilities, not necessarily truths. Nobody but God could know if the following statements would be possible or ring true. This is only to get you thinking about how God could perhaps manifest Himself) here some thoughts which I have opened up similar to a dialogue with the Trinity - some "replies" may be from the human aspect, or the divine, or both.:

- I am Jesus. This means God the Father has created a body for Himself, so that He could share in our humanity. I have lifted up the whole of humanity to a dignity and/or status which you may find hard to believe. If I share in your humanity, then you are sharing in my greatness, if you desire to do so (you have the ability to reject this greatness by your free Will). If you are sharing in my greatness, then so is any other human being, who desires to be with me. Because I did come for you. But I also came for others. Stop doubting me.
- I am your neighbor who blasts music so lound from the speakers, so that even though your windows are closed, you can hear it = I want to share my joy with you.
- I am the person next to you in the pew who you are wishing wasn't sitting right there. = am I bugging you?
- I am the person who is sitting at the street side asking for money. = I need your compassion.
- I am the person who knocks at the food pantry door asking for food. = I am hungry.
- I am the person who is sick at home and doesn't get a personal phone call, email or visit. Instead, you might perhaps send others out on your behalf. But that doesn't replace your presence. = I am starving for your presence.
- I am the one who loves you, but you scoff at my love, make fun of it, or abuse it. = I am starving for your Love and acceptance of who I am.
- I am the one who sincerely cares about you, but you don't trust me. = Please trust me.
- I am the person who you  are secretly condemning and/or judging in your heart and mind. = Keep in mind I am the one who is called to be the sovereign judge.
- I am the one who you are unwilling to forgive. = Is there something you need forgiveness for?
- I am the one who finds it difficult to forgive or love myself, because I had no role model or because I have not experienced the true meaning of what that means. = Again, starving for Love.
- I am the person who you are openly condemning and/or judging, either with unkind looks, unspoken and/or spoken words, body language or harassment. = Who made you the judge of my soul?
- I am your spouse who you are abusing, spiritually, mentally, verbally or even physically. = Please stop it. I can't take any more of this. I love you. I need you to love me back. Don't I deserve to be loved? I'm your spouse after all?
- I am your child who you are neglecting. = "Why have you forsaken me?" What did I do to you?
- I am the one who is smiling at you. Please smile back.
- I am your child who you claim isn't yours. = I didn't ask to be born and be your child. Why do you hate me?
- I am the one who washes your clothes, cleans your rooms, makes your food. = How are you repaying me?
- I am your brother who is struggling with addictions. = I'm not just some stranger. I'm part of your family, whether you like it or not. Help me.
- I am the one who wants to hug you. Please don't make me have to ask you.
- I am your sister who is giving you a hard time. = Please try to understand me. I'm not just some stranger. I'm part of your family, whether you like it or not.
- I am the one who is ticking you off because you know that some, if not all, of the things I say, are - or have been- , true. = Truth cuts like a sword. But the Truth can not be hidden. It leads to Love & Freedom. I love you so much, that I rather be completely honest with and towards you. Accept it as a gift of Love.
Stop being so self-centered, and listen.
- I am the one who is all alone. I might be a widow/er, I might be elderly, I might be single, I might be lonely in a marriage/relationship. = I need companionship/friendship. I need you.
- I am the one who is suffering from depression or mental illness in one way or another. = I need your acceptance and patience.
- I am the person who you don't know who lives on the other side of the world = Yes, I exist. Don't deny my existence, as if I didn't.
- I am the person who grew up in a different culture than yours. I might be Muslim, Hindu or belonging to any other Faith. = This does not give you the right to doubt my sincerity in Faith. There are reasons why God the Father decided to let me grow up in that culture or Faith. If you want to be positively constructive, then teach and instruct me, like my earthly parents did. (Both the Human and God speaking here!)
- I am the person contemplating suicide. = Why are you ignoring me? I am suffering. I am at the edge of a dark hole. Pull me away from it. I am also a child of God, even if all seems so dark.
- I am the parent who has seen her/his child not accept my help when I offered it.= your denial of me and your not accepting of my authority hurts me. Please come to believe that I really want the best for you
- I am the one who has been touched by sin. = Though I may have been touched by sin, this does not mean that I have sinned. Have compassion, because of the sins that have touched me, I am suffering. Don't judge me or prompt me to act before my time.
- I am the soldier who went to war to defend our country. Because of that, I suffer from PTSD and my mind isn't right. = I am suffering. Compassion, patience and love would be nice.
- I am the person who constantly runs into the law = maybe the ways of this world are too hard for me to comprehend. Help me.
- I am the person who sits in front of the computer all day...seeking for some meaning. = Teach and instruct me. Show compassion and love towards me.
- I am the one who said: "I thirst." But there's no clean water to be found. How are you treating our environment?
- I am the who said: "Why have you forsaken me?", as I noticed my friends weren't there, and nobody was there to help me out of my predicament.
- I am the one who has no real home in this world. Not every house is a home. = Give me a home. How about your heart? That would be a home.
- I am the one who can't sleep at night. = Have compassion. Help me.
- I am the one who you pay no attention to because I'm not considered "important". = the weak and lowly will be made strong. Nobody is "unimportant".
- I am rich and important and dressed finely, so much so that I am spiritually depraved/deprived and starving. = feed me with light, so I don't have to go to the darkness. Imagine that even I was a baby, a child of God.
- I am the one in the nursing home slowly dying. I've been forgotten. = Please pray for me. If I ask you to come and visit or bring me Communion, please come, or arrange someone to come if you can't make it.
 I need to know someone still thinks of me.


And since this list could go on endlessly:

- I am the one who you simply can not comprehend and stick in any particular category. I can speak on behalf of both the human beings you see and encounter on a daily basis, as well as on behalf of the Divine, because I can be in all, work through all, and be with all.
What you are to say, I will say for you. What you are to know, I will teach and instruct you.


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(P.S.: Have you ever wondered why I sign these posts like this? "XP" can be seen as a monogram of Christ, as in "Chi Rho", Greek.  I do this in honor of the Holy Name of Jesus and to invoke His protection and guidance.
The other way to see this is to understand the "X" as a kiss (I mean this as a Christian Greeting or Good-bye kiss, as was common with early Christians and/or in earlier centuries, for example in Romans 16:16: "Greet one another with a Holy Kiss". Also, Jesus Himself laments not being greeted with a kiss in Luke: 7:45: "You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet."), and the "P" indicating the first initial of my name)

By the way: I just realized that Luke, Chapter 7, is an excellent place to research what Jesus had to say about the rich and poor, and how people appear to conduct themselves.

End of the World?

I am so very grateful that I don't really follow the news all too much.
I know about the floodings and tornadoes happening around the US, and some other basic stuff such as the weather.
So I am a bit behind on finding out that the world was supposed to end on May 21, 2011, according to some elderly man with a religious following.
Indeed, it is curious to see how many people have "predicted" the apocalypse/end of the world, just to find out that they were wrong.
Jesus did say that there will be more and more people predicting and claiming great things, and that we should not be disturbed by it. But the bible also indicates that the closer we get to this end-time scenario, there would be more "crazy stuff" happening.
So now this same elderly man predicts the world will come to an end on October 21.
I wouldn't be surprised if God finally had enough and would decide to wipe out the world.

At the same time, He does not think the way we do, nor would He feel the way we do, nor would He probably act the way we do. And our concept of time, is exactly that: ours.
God Himself isn't obligated to any particular time, nor does He perceive time as we do.
Therefore does it really matter when the end of the world comes for us?

As crazy as the elderly man predicting the rapture may sound, but he is right: we should be prepared. It doesn't matter if you physically die by either getting hit by a bus, being swept off your feet by a tornado, drown in a pool, die of a heart attack or cancer.
You already don't know the day on which you will die, so what does it matter when the end of the world may take place?
Are you changing the way you live and view life because you know you will die one day, or are you still following your sinful habits, thoughts and ideas?
Are you still getting that hamburger although you know it is bad for you?
Are you still harboring grudges and negative thoughts about people who have hurt you or who may have pissed you off? Are you still unwilling to forgive?
Are you still going to enjoy the group meetings with other like-minded individuals with which you can then feel safe to gossip?

And you're doing all of that even though you don't know if this may be your last day today (because maybe tomorrow that bus is going to hit you, or the heart attack,....)
--> so who cares about the day of the rapture/apocalypse/end of world?

I think we should be thankful for such prophets as this elderly man. If anything else, he does remind us of what we ought to be doing....think and prepare for our eternal life.

What matters is the state of your heart and soul. Time is only relevant in regards to finding the time to ensure your heart and soul are in the state of grace. Any time we have here is for us. Since God Himself is not in need of time as we know it, we should be grateful for this merciful gift of His.
Because that's what it is: a gift.

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Play Time!

Okay, I only have a few moments here, so this will post will not be a very long one.
I was just thinking how wonderful it is to be able to have some leisure time in between all the
busy-ness.
This morning I was able to go out for a very long and nice walk in a park. The weather was perfect. Overcast, but yet warm. It didn't rain while we were out. I'm pleased to say my husband, dog and I walked, and then the rain came.
And although it was warm, it was not hot. In fact, in was a cool kind of warm. Very pleasant.
The dog had fun sniffing all the other dogs in the designated dog area of the park, running around and playing.
So after coming home then, we decided to have some vanilla yoghurt with mixed berries and fresh honeydew melon pieces. Tiny little bit of granola on top of that. And a home-made hot coffee latte.
The rest of the day was as it was meant to be for a Sunday: a day of rest. Simply enjoying the simple and small things like what I've just described.
Although there always may seem to be tons of things we need to do, it is nice to remind ourselves that we need a break every so often.
We should try to find a "break" time every day.

Ahh, life can be good...if we remember to stop and smell the flowers. ;-)

Desert Crossing & Ramblings

First of all: Sorry I haven't written anything new for over a month. I truly apologize. There have been times when I started to write something in this blog of mine, just to decide that it wasn't really worth writing about. Or it would be something I thought was too difficult to explain. Therefore, it would be too lengthy. Take too much time. Then distractions got in the way. I also was still working on the last finishing touches for the completion of my exams and tests.
Some things obviously are on a higher priority scale than others. Me getting that certificate I've been working so hard on since the beginning of the year, was one of the "high priority" ones.
A very dear friend of mine also was battling with liver cancer, and I was one of the very few people who she wanted to see and deal with the last few months. She passed away on the Eve of Our Lady of Fatima: May 12.
Let's just put it this way: It's been difficult lately. If I was talking about feeling like walking through a desert before (if you read my previous blog, then you know what I mean), then I've really been feeling like that even more so the last few months.
Even though it has been difficult, in some strange way things have also become easier.
I've always been fairly disciplined (that partially may have to do with the fact that circumstances already early on in my life kind of forced me to "get my act together"), so this has helped me get through the grueling months of spending endless hours studying the coursework, exams, etc.
Thanks be to God for that, I really should add. Because there were moments when I really didn't think I could cope with it anymore. In those moments I completely handed everything over to God. The result therefore isn't really all that surprising, and I have no intent on bragging, except for bragging what God has accomplished for, with and through me: a GPA of 4.0.
The certificate should be "floating in" within the next few weeks.
Now I just need to make sure that I keep practicing what I learned. That I don't forget it all. If anybody needs an Administrative Computer Specialist, let me know. ;-)
I would love to work for the Catholic Church in using the skills I learned, but I do need work with benefits (I'm talking about health insurance, in particular), so I will have to keep myself open for opportunities, rather than restricting myself. I plan on enjoying the summer first, though.
To get back to the subject...I'm still walking in that spiritual desert of sorts, but it now seems I've crossed a "sand dune" and found a little "oasis" to temporarily wet my tongue and ease the thirst.
One reason I feel this way is obviously because I know I am getting that certificate.
The other reason is because my friend no longer has to suffer such intense physical pain. It truly is an act of Mercy on God's part to no longer have her suffer the way she did.
I was praying that she may surrender to His Will, and that her suffering may ease, and I am happy that that is exactly what happened.
From a human perspective I will miss her intensely. I will no longer be able to go out with her, spend time with her, have conversations with her (ones that I can actually hear with these physical ears of mine), hug her, etc. So that part of me isn't all too happy.
But I'm happy to say that that is where the grace of God takes a hold of me and alleviates the pain and the sense of loss, and lets me see the bigger picture.
And I am intensely grateful to God for that.
As a human being though, I realize there will still be moments when I will really miss her physical presence.
As I will also continue missing other friends/relatives that have passed away.
But something within me has changed.
I no longer "cling" to my friends.
I love them, I miss them, and I still want to spend time with them and enjoy their presence, but I think the way I love and care about my friends has transformed into something more pure.
If a friend (or someone I had/have considered a friend - and hopefully they consider me as such, too!) no longer has time for me, wants to see me, talk to me, write me, call me,....or if a friend moves away, or gets sent elsewhere through work,....I have now learned that I may still try to contact the friend and try to keep the friendship going,
 ...but ultimately I have to allow that person or friend to make their choice, as to whether or not they actually want to try to stay friends as well.
I know circumstances and every-day life can make it hard to keep in touch with friends.
Just looking at myself, I know all too well how time can slip away and make it nearly impossible to stay in touch with others. At times it takes a true effort of the will (and some arranging by our dear Lord), to enable friendships to survive when everything is going crazy.
 And of course not all friends are equal. Some friends are more acquaintances than actual friends.
With some people you also just simply feel more comfortable to hang around with. Also, even though I may have a valid point when I try to tell a friend something, it is useless if they have no interest in listening, or vice versa.
Generally, I'm interested in a dialogue, not a monologue. That dialogue is simply more likely to happen with some, than with others.
Sometimes we have an influence on that, and sometimes we don't. It's a fact that you don't tell everybody everything, and so you may be choosy as to who you may consider a close friend, rather than just a friend.
That doesn't change the fact that I love my friends.
I may agree to disagree with the one or other friend at times (or they with me), but that doesn't mean I forgot about the love I once had (and still have) for that friend/those friends.
I think God feels like this.
Just as God will not force someone to love Him. He will not force people to do the right thing. That wouldn't be love. He hates sin, but He still loves the person.
And in the meanwhile, He just patiently waits until we got our act together....

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are moments when I would love to spend some time with the one or other friend, but I simply can't for reasons that I, or the friend, may not be able to influence. So apparently our Lord has allowed that situation, whether it be of good or bad origin.
Some things are simply out of our control, and may not be something we could have foreseen.
In the past, such a thing would upset me.
All I would see is how it hurt me, inconvenienced me, etc. In that respect, I can (and have been) be a bit self-centered at times. I hate to admit it, but it's true.
And at the same time, I do think I may have very well been justified in feeling the way I did (and sometimes still do), especially in regards to the things I had/have no influence on.
 And I think most people who are reading this right now may perhaps recognize that in themselves, as well.
So, I am really not talking about the stuff we tend to bring on ourselves. I am talking about the stuff where friends needed to switch jobs, or move elsewhere, out of necessity (not just simply because they got the "mood" for it). Or where sickness and illness would impact quality of life.
These are just some examples of what I mean.
And I know some of my friends felt as I do....as if life is just so "unfair".
Well, I still think it can be unfair, but now I realize that although it may be unfair, it nevertheless was allowed, and perhaps even willed by God in some instances.
I have come to not be so upset anymore, because I started to realize more and more that ultimately God is in control.
It also is a matter of trust.
That trust which is necessary in order to believe that God would not allow a person to be burdened more than he/she can handle.
I also have started to understand more and more that although a circumstance may be not by my own choosing (or the friend's choosing), or may be unfair, I do have a choice: be upset about it, or deal with it productively and positively.
It can be very easy to forget that you actually have that choice.
So even though I myself may be fully aware of my shortcomings and weaknesses, apparently God thinks I can handle certain situations. And I'm starting to think that the more you trust that He will help you, the more He thinks you can handle...because: All things are possible with God.

This of course makes me wonder if such trust in our Lord is good, because who really wants more burdens to deal with? But then again...what confidence He must have in us!
And are those burdens then really burdens? Sometimes, something seems like a big rock that needs to be moved, and I think that as long as we at least try to move that rock, He will be the one actually moving it for us.
I think sometimes He just wants to see if we at least give something a try.
If we dare to look beyond our physical, spiritual, emotional and mental boundaries that we may have built up for ourselves.

So anyways.....I've had some strange things happen to me lately.
A few weeks ago I went to confession, and as I was sitting there in the pew afterwards, trying to do my penance, I see this complete stranger come out of the confessional and go straight towards me.
I smelled incense or Chrism oil right before this woman approached me.
I figured it may have been St. Padre Pio, --> after all: I had just went to confession and was doing my penance, and I am one of his spiritual children. He is known to make himself known by the smell of incense (and in some instances the sweet smell of violets).
I am very cautious about people approaching me in church and trying to give me "messages". In the past there have also been people who thought they could just come right up to me and bless me. And these were not priests.
I know that when you have just washed yourself clean in a confessional, all good... as well as evil, can feel drawn to you.
So therefore, it is wise to be cautious.
So there I am "washed clean", and I must assume this strange woman coming out of the confessional must have also been "washed clean" by absolution.
Now, without any apparent reason whatsoever, she comes straight to me after coming out of the confessional herself and tells me the following: "Remember, He loves you. You are destined to be a great Saint." And with that, she walks off.
Like I said, I've never seen or met this woman before.
The same day I told myself I wasn't going to pay attention to that, since I couldn't be really sure who the origin of this "message" is, and therefore I decided I didn't want to think about it anymore.
I was tempted to write it down and share it with you here, but I stopped myself.
As you can see, I was not very successful with this, even though I was able to hold out for a few weeks now.
Ignoring this message was not going to be easy: I watched a show the other day in which is was said that it is okay to want to be a Saint.
Then recently, I went to confession (this time at another parish), and I came across an inspiration prayer from Bl. Pope John Paul II: "Do not be a afraid to be a Saint."
Then I came across the story of Jonas and the whale, when I simply flipped open my bible the other day. You can try to hide and run, but if it's something that you're supposed to pay attention to, you won't be successful in trying to hide or run.
Since Jonas was supposed to go to Nineveh on God's behalf and tell them the Lord's message for them, I took this as a message for me to humble myself and tell you that God can and will find ways to speak to you.
It has been an effort for me to write this down, because I realize how crazy it sounds.
I realize it may sound as if I just want to make myself into something I'm not.
Believe me, I am no Saint yet, even if I am supposed to be destined for it.
Just because I may be destined to be a Saint, does not mean I will actually be a Saint.
I still have the free will to screw it up, and in reality, we are ALL destined to be saints. Not just me. And I'm certain we are ALL loved.
Of course I want to be a saint, so I will try my best not to screw it up.
But I know there will be a battle of spirits going on until the day I die.
That is part of being a human being. We are not perfect, unless we're helped and seek that help.
This is meant as encouragement for any of you who may wonder if God is even listening to your prayers.

He is.

Your, and my "job", therefore, is to trust, believe, have hope and not worry.
Try to keep that spark of Love alive.
Keep communication open to God by praying. This prayer can be as simple as you simply talking out loud to God as you would do with a friend. He really is the best friend you can actually have. (Make sure nobody is around, so people don't start thinking you've lost your mind...) ;-)
As Jesus says: go into your room, and shut the door.
And be prepared: the answers to your prayers often does not come in the way you may hope or expect. Try to keep an open mind. If a situation seems to get worse, it may very well be a blessing in disguise, even though you may find that hard to believe when it happens at the time. As long as you trust God will take care of it for you, you may also have the confidence that a good result will come out of the situation long-term.

And yes, I'm writing this as a reminder for myself as well. ;-)

Even though I apparently arrived at an oasis in the middle of the desert, I realize the journey must go on, and there are some desert stretches I still need to cross.

Pray that I don't fall prey to the wolves and vultures along the way. I'll do the same for you.

XP

Abandonment

Good Morning!

New day, new opportunities. Also, I got my husband's cold that he was dragging around for more than a week now. Sore throat, stuffiness and somewhat painful cough due to the nasal drainage.
This is most unfortunate (who ever desires to be sick?), but I will joyfully accept this little bit suffering for some matters which are close to my heart, and hand them over to Jesus.
It is the season of Lent after all. Though suffering can hit a person anytime of the year, so really what you plan to do with any pains or sufferings you may have really has nothing to do solely with Lent.
Another blow to the heart: my spiritual director will have a new position within the Church soon, and that will mean a little more effort to see him - if he'll still find the ability to.
It's a blow, but it's something I expected (I sensed that God was going to do this), therefore I am actually immensely happy for him. I know God has great things planned for him.
It will be God's Will to determine what will become of me.
Did you ever experience the sensation of somehow "knowing" what may happen with someone else, but in regards to yourself you are absolutely clueless? Well, that's what I experience.
I suppose I'm in good company there, because I know St. Padre Pio had the same issue. Not that I'm a saint yet, but St. Pio is a wonderful example to explain how I'm currently feeling. I'm one of his spiritual children. I look up to him, I love him.
And he also at times was quite frustrated about not knowing what plans God had with him, and whether what he was doing was even pleasing to our Lord. There's a reason he became a saint though. He learned how to abandon himself to God's Will. He didn't always necessarily like it, and according to his letters to his own spiritual directors and even to some of his spiritual children, he expressed that sentiment. But God can handle the frustration and perhaps even the anger. The key to this is to keep approaching our Lord and freely expressing to him how we feel, without holding back those demons tied to our frail humanity.
Jesus will kick those demons into oblivion if we present them to Him.
I was looking forward to spring, but yet there's another cold wave and snow is once again falling. I'm sick, although I was soo looking forward to going outside, perhaps go to Mass and then get some basic shopping done before I hit the books and assignments and exams again.
I could sooo do with a break from constantly studying. I'd love to see something else for a change.
Even if it were just some spring flowers in my garden, I would jump for joy and feel my heart leap in thanksgiving to God.
Obviously, this was not God's Will. That doesn't mean I'm not thankful, though. It just means I'm thankful for Him forcing me to rest, even though I still have tons of work to do.
He apparently wants me all by Himself in the solitary confinement of my home for the time being.
He knows best, though at times it can be easy to forget that.
I previously posted a plea for a friend, and I got some replies to it which somewhat stunned me. I won't go into detail here, but I felt that something was wrong with the world. I realize though that I should be thankful even for those replies. It made a few people (including me) aware of their own actions, and this may in turn cause better communication for the future.
That friend/parishioner still needs your help, by the way. Some people bring on trouble themselves, and sometimes it's a combination of things for which we have no control over. This friend and her family belong to the latter category. I will keep her plea up until the end of April & will then remove it. The rest is up to God.

Have a wonderful day. XP

P.S.:Here something I think you may enjoy regarding abandonment:

 "Abandonment to Divine Providence" by Father de Caussade:

"The Holy Spirit continues to carry on the work of our Saviour.
While helping the Church to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ, He writes His own Gospel in the hearts of the just.
All their actions, every moment of their lives, are the Gospel of the Holy Spirit. The souls of the saints are are the paper, the sufferings and actions the ink.
The Holy Spirit with the pen of His power writes a living Gospel, but a Gospel that cannot be read until it has left the press of this life, and has been published on the day of eternity.
Oh! great history! grand book written by the Holy Spirit in this present time!
It is still the in the press.
There is never a day when the type is not arranged, when the ink is not applied, or the pages are not primed.
We are still in the dark night of faith.
The paper is blacker than the ink, and there is great confusion in the type.
It is written in characters of another world and there is no understanding it except in Heaven.
If we could see the life of God, and behold all creatures,
not as they are in themselves, but as they exist in their first cause....."

Lent and Catholic Media Promotion Day

Ok...finally I'm taking the time to blog something again. I currently find it very hard to find time to do anything apart from study, study and ...study. And the minute I'm done here, I will continue to go back and do just that: study.

Anyways, this past Sunday was the first Sunday in Lent. Everybody out there is now debating what they want to abstain or fast from, and everybody has their own little idea on how best to achieve that. First things first: no meat on Fridays and fasting only on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Fasting, in America and within the Diocese of Pittsburgh means: 2 small meals and one large meal on "Fast Days" only. No snacks in between meals. Obviously, what's considered a small meal can also be open to interpretation. But I think that's where you must be led by your conscience and by prudence. If you're in the state of grace, as Catholics would say, then you should be able to handle that and figure out what's right.

Now, there are also always the many priests who think that Lent is a time to stay away from modern technology in general, because so many people get so much pleasure out of watching mindless stuff on TV and blasting their senses (eyes & ears, and therefor also the mind) with all kinds of media.

The priests' objections make sense, are reasonable, understandable, and valid.

 Modern technology does have a way of making people sick, if they are not taught how to treat this technology in a healthy way.
And if all the stuff people see and hear is garbage, then this "garbage" will slowly seep into people's minds and lives, and it kind of ends up being like food = you are what you eat. Eat toxic stuff, your body becomes toxic.

Which is why Lent is meant to help rid the body and mind of toxins...unhealthy habits, etc.

But there is a different view-point as well...

In this day and age, we are almost forced to work with modern technology, whether we may like to, or not. Just like eating can be a necessary evil to some, so is modern technology.
I watched a video podcast this morning while eating breakfast which discussed exactly this topic: modern day children and teens and technology, and how it affects their life-style and health. The video podcast was from a European country, and traditionally I would say that European countries have always been a little bit healthier and less obese in comparison with the US. I say this out of my own experience.
To my surprise, the European countries are catching up in regards to kids becoming more obese. But that wasn't all that surprised me: the kids in this podcast were your every-day average kid, and they spent hours and hours on the computer, cell-phones, and listening to music, watching videos, texting, etc.
When they weren't in school, they were at home on their computers.
The main reason for this is because pressure is growing in industrialized countries to get a better education, and there are also less and less play-grounds or roads that kids can play on, walk on, do sports on....or any kind of outdoor activity, for that matter...so since people don't have the ability anymore to simply be outside, they are forced to spend more time in-doors....hence the more activity with computers, etc.
One could lament the way things are going, but it would do no good, because that's the way the world is. And I don't think it's going to get better. Not because God didn't do a wonderful job with His creation, but because of the evil which has infiltrated it.
Therefor: if there are more and more people, especially young, impressionable kids, spending time on their computers and with other media, especially social media, there are less and less kids and/or parents to preach to at a daily Mass in person.
There are less and less people hearing the gospel, either by their own choice, or due to their upbringing, or due to their financial obligations to maintain a job which doesn't allow them to be concerned so much with "Religious stuff".

Either way, if parents feel this way, and if children look to their parents for guidance, then you can only imagine what religious education that child might get....none, to hardly any.

Then keep in mind that those kids spend countless hours on their computers, on social media websites, etc...
Isn't it clear then, that as Catholics we have the obligation to take a stand and be a presence in this otherwise very harsh world?

Did Jesus not make the call for us to go out and look for the lost sheep?

Do you think you will find them in your parish at Mass?

If that's what you think, then you don't yet fully realize what "being lost" means.

The people who still go to Mass and go to church, do need to be kept from going lost....

But they are not lost yet.

The ones we are called to bring home, are the ones who DON'T go to Mass or church at all anymore, or only for Christmas and Easter.

Where do you think you are going to find these people?

Hint, hint.....how about the internet and social media?

If, as a fellow Catholic or priest, you may find all this "new technology stuff" hard to deal with, that's fine.

But how about practicing what you preach (whether or not you are a priest or fellow Catholic) and at least make an effort to understand where people are and where they're coming from nowadays?

That would be a true act of sacrifice: to at least try to learn about Catholic Social Media, learn about the technology out there and how to use it; not to enrich your own life...but those you may touch with it.

To show those who spend hours on the internet watching, reading and listening to junk, a true alternative.....something to enrich them spiritually and motivate them to lead healthier lives, whichever way that may be for the individual.

Consider Lamentations 4:4 (New American Standard Version Bible):
"The tongue of the sucking child cleaveth to the roof of his mouth for thirst: the young children ask bread, and no man breaketh it unto them"
Or even take a closer look at the gospel of Luke, in particular Chapter 11.

How can we simply ignore the fact that there are people who will only then learn how to have a relationship with God and the Church, if we can get out of our own convenience, comfort-zone and way of thinking, to stoop down and be present to where they are?

Just a thought.

Here some suggestions for further reading:

http://rcspiritualdirection.com/blog/ - for those who feel in need of some extra guidance, here and then...

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Catholic-Spiritual-Direction/57335866769?sk=info#!/promotecatholicism?sk=info -->wonderfully filled with all kinds of Catholic Media links/suggestions, etc! Check this out!

http://sqpn.com/ --->this website is fantastic to learn more about Catholic Social Media, and to find wonderful Catholic Podcasts and videos! Please check this out!

Some priests blogging...
http://chingchuirom.blogspot.com/
http://canyoudrinkthecup.blogspot.com/

Great Apps for iPhone/iPad/iTouch/iPod: to be found on iTunes:

Divine Office
iMissal


free & great podcasts (iTunes or on the affiliated websites):

SQPN: Healthy Catholic
SQPN: The Break with Father Roderick
EWTN: Mother Angelica Classic

Dreams, water & the desert

In my previous post I mentioned I had a dream that I wanted to share with you. Thankfully I wrote it down the instant I woke up that morning, so it is easier for me to recollect it now. I actually had two dreams that night:
In the first one I was crossing a large surface of water (perhaps an ocean or large sea) on board of a boat or large ship. It may have been a cruise ship perhaps. I had brought or perhaps bought stuff from my home country which I was transporting on this cruise liner/ship, and these things were in a large box on the same level I was standing on. Some sudden move of the ship caused the freight to go overboard into the water, and I saw all the things that I had intended to bring back sink into the depths of the water. Some of the stuff I had intended to bring to the final destination with me were memorabilia items: stuff that reminded me where I came from, my heritage, the people that gave them to me and to which I therefore felt an emotional attachment to. They were items that provided some form of comfort, and since they tied me to certain memories in the past, were also irreplaceable.  Other items that I had bought were things which weren't available in the new country I was going to.
When that box of my possessions fell into the water, I was just in the middle of telling someone how important I thought those things were and that I didn't desire much else, because of the reasons I mentioned above.
What a shock to then see those things I thought were important fall overboard and sink into the deep ocean! Fully clothed and without thinking, pretty much out of reflex, I then jumped into the frigid, ice-cold water, thinking there may be a way to perhaps not end up with a complete loss.
I went under. I was drowning. The water covered me, and then I realized how foolish I was to think that I could do anything. How foolish to think I'd have a chance of survival. How foolish to risk my life for ...things.
I clearly saw how my life was not equal in worth to the things I was trying to save, and that nobody else was going to be as stupid as I was, and that nobody was going to jump in to save me, and also expect to be able to survive that.

Now to second dream: I was inquiring to receive help from someone who I considered trust-worthy and a person according to God's mind, and who I thought would be able to help me with a problem, just to find out that the person was not trust-worthy.
This person requested that I worship and honor God in a certain manner and in a certain role. The trouble with this was that this "God" which I was meant to worship & honor, was reduced to a certain level and to a certain capacity. I realize God may have many different names, but it was kind of like telling me: "worship Tor, the God of Thunder". In my dream it wasn't Tor (I just mentioned this to try to explain what I mean), but the name "God", and then a descriptive after that which didn't seem to present the real true God in His full Glory, Power and Might.
Long story short, the way this "God" was described and the manner in which I was to honor Him seemed suspicious to me. It was like evil trying to portray itself as light. I really got suspicious when I was then told that if I didn't do as I was told, that I'd be condemning myself and my loved ones.
I know the God of the old Testament would sometimes be an angry God, and even seemingly revengeful, but the God of the New Testament is one proclaiming mercy and Love, and only when absolutely necessary does He then bring down condemnation. Usually only for those who in the end condemn themselves by turning away from Him. Jesus said He did not come to abolish the law, but to fulfill and transform it.

So what do these dreams mean?  The way I've interpreted these dreams so far is that 1) I shouldn't be so attached to what I perceive as important things or memories from the past. They may end up spiritually and physically killing me. And 2) I shouldn't pay much attention to people in general. Whether it's the person I was talking to on the ship (that person didn't jump in to save me, after all), or the person who I thought was God-fearing and trust-worthy in the second dream.
Evil can disguise itself as an angel of light, and people who seem to be on God's side may actually not be. They may not even be aware or conscious of their own self-deceit.  You shall know them by their fruits.
Result: detach from people and things, memories and belongings, and when trouble arises turn to God only.

So apart from crashing into freezing water which has the ability to drown me, I feel like I may be walking in a dry desert waste-land with nobody except God alone to help me on my way. This is a walk based purely on Faith alone, because although the sun may be shining very bright, it seems very dark, and not even God seems to present for most of the time. If a person may seem to be of the light, but in reality it is dark, who then may know whether they are seeing dark or light, or vice versa? Who can trust that what they appear to see is really there?

Very exhausting.

Any thoughts to this topic are appreciated.

Now....back to my studies.